To begin to fall in love with yourself and others...

The first step to connection, and to loving yourself and loving those around you is to let go of judgment.

You can’t judge a person and love them at the same time. To judge someone you have to disconnect from them, from their story, their pain, and their situation. (This is all true for your heart too- you can’t love yourself if you are also judging yourself.)

Judgment is so painful because it disconnects you from the living, beating heart of another human being and puts you in a place you were never made to live in- a place in which you are less you and less human- because you are assuming someone else is less human than you. It takes you off of another person’s level into a place where you make assumptions from your fear, pain or past experiences and you label a person, instead of truly see them.

The truth is you will never know what a person has lived through and experienced. You never know the exact level of pain they have had to suffer, and what types of traumas they have lived through, or wanted to die through. Most of the things we judge others for is an action that is produced by their deep pain, and we judge because we are too scared to face our own fear and pain. Our judgment alienates them and causes more pain, when we could instead open our heart, look into their eyes, fight for connection, empathy and understanding, and really see someone the way they are seen by God.

We often cling to judgment because of fear, and because we believe this is the way God acts towards us. God is love, and God accepts you all the time, no matter what. He is not ever waiting for you to change so that he can love you, and God does not do this with other people either. God is not withholding love from you until you clean up your behavior. God is not manipulative, or dissociated from you. If you believe this about God, I would suggest that you had a parent who treated you this way, and you learned you had to change yourself to be acceptable or to be loved, and you have pinned that on God, when God is in fact, not like that at all.

If you have been living like this, in a lot of judgment of yourself or others, or assuming God is always judging you and disconnecting from you, stop and tell yourself it’s ok. Don’t judge yourself for judging. You have always been doing the best you can, and living out what you were taught, consciously or subconsciously. Give yourself compassion in your judgment. Your heart has been using it to protect yourself from pain and fear. Give yourself love in that place. You are only judging others because you are, to some extent, judging yourself. You are holding others to the unattainable standard you’re holding yourself to.

When you love yourself in your pain, and love yourself when you fall short of your standard, you can love others in those places too. You are only judging yourself because you have been taught that that is an appropriate way to treat yourself, probably by your parents when you were little, but you can always re-learn old patterns.

We all have this need deep inside of us, our younger self asking to be loved in moments that we felt like we weren’t seen or heard when we were little. Some have it stronger than others but we all have the same needs, and when we can connect to our needs and love ourselves there, it is so much easier to give another person love from our true empathy and understanding.

The journey of beginning to love yourself in all the painful places is a beautiful journey to go on, and when you start to give your heart the compassion and comfort it needs, doing the same for those around you becomes a simple overflow of the love your heart is receiving. If you feel like it is hard to love others, and that it takes a lot of work to have patience, generosity, compassion and empathy, I would suggest starting with yourself. Your heart needs all of those things as much as anyone else, and when you begin to receive them and you feel safe, loved and nurtured, others around you begin to feel the same way by you too.

Start right now by telling your heart, “Heart, I’m so sorry you’ve felt so scared of connection and of feeling pain, that you’ve used judgment and unforgiveness to protect you. I give you permission to feel, and I accept you no matter what.”

If this doesn’t feel like it makes total sense to you, but you feel like it has moved your heart in some way and you would like to understand it better, I am happy to answer any questions you have. I have been on a long journey of learning to love myself and give my heart the compassion it needs, but I know this language and practice is very new to some people, as it was to me at the beginning of my journey. I can honestly say though that doing this has been absolutely life changing for me in every way and that I would love nothing more than to help anyone I love go along on this journey with me, even just a little bit. You are completely worthy of love, and love becomes easier to receive and give when you begin to comfort yourself and give yourself compassion in your pain.

xoxo

Alyssa